EFFECTIVE SPEAKING SKILLS

When expressing feelings or points of view, use “I messages” to own and express what you want to say in order to avoid statements that are perceived as blaming. When the listener feels blamed or attacked, defensive responses are more likely to occur and the meaning is often lost.

I feel (describe the feeling – use a feeling word)

when you (describe in detail the behavior or situation)

because (state the reason for the feeling or consequences).

I would like you to (describe in detail what you would like to see happen).

Use “I think/believe/sense” if expressing a point of view.

EFFECTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

Be mindful of the following when summarizing and responding to what has been expressed. Offer your feelings or point of view after you have summarized what you heard and after you are sure that the speaker feels understood.

SENSORY DATA

Practice self-awareness and reflection, e.g. “What have I heard and seen?”  “What am I sensing or feeling in my body?” Connect mind and body.

MAINTAIN CALM: TAKE DEEP BREATHS IF YOU FEEL A CHARGE

Listen from a place of openness and calm without needing to get upset or reactive to what has been said. Put your own point of view or opinion on the back burner while listening.

THOUGHTS

Practice mindful articulation of what you have understood, e.g. “What do I think is going on for the other person and how am I interpreting it ?””How can I describe what they said respectfully and clearly?”

FEELINGS

How am I feeling? What word best describes it? Use a descriptive feeling word when responding with an “I feel” message.

EMPATHIZE

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, respond with empathy, e.g. “What I’m hearing you say or feel is …” or “I can understand how you’d feel that way because …”.  Connect mind and heart.

ASK QUESTIONS

Develop a curious and interested state of mind, e.g. “Could you tell me more about …”. “Could you clarify …”.

SUMMARIZE

Repeat back what was said and what you’ve understood, e.g. “What I heard you say is  …”. Check to see if it is accurate and complete, e.g. “Did I get it all?” “Do you feel as if I understood you?”